Update

 Today I felt moved to post a update on my progress. I now weigh 288 pounds, Since January I have lost 40 pounds and 6 pant sizes. The picture on the left was after I returned from England according to my doctors records I weighed 368 pounds in March of 2014, putting me at a 80 pound loss in total. At the time of the picture on the right I weighed 300 lbs. 

As profound at the weight loss has been in allowing me to gain my freedom and my ability to do the things that I want to do. The healing of my mind and relationship with food has been the most dramatic shift in my life. My constant obsessing and categorizing food has been healed and released. My doctors continue to be astonished at my improving numbers. 

I am blessed to be experiencing a healthy life. I will continue to update as things come up. Until then I wish you all love, light, and joy.  

News From The Doctor's Office

I got results from my blood tests this morning.

My blood pressure has gone from a average of 140/89 in 2014 to an average of 119/80 in 2015.

My A1C was 7.5 in Dec 2014 to 6.2 in March 2015. I no longer have diabetes, or take Metformin.

My Thyroid TSH level is now into the normal range. I have been taken off of  Levothyroxine.

My pituitary was functioning at 8% in April 2014. It is now functioning at 56%.

I have now lost 35 lbs, and gone from size 26 to size 20.

More important any number from a blood test. I can think clearly, and move my body again.

I am so thankful and grateful for my body today.

Growing up in the Low Fat Era

I graduated high school in 1985. Which puts me smack dab in the middle of the Low Fat Era. When I started grocery shopping for myself I made a beeline straight too all of those pretty shiny packages on the shelves. My shopping criteria was modern, convenient, and low fat.

In my late 20's I would buy two 24 packs of Diet Cola for a week. If it wasn't soda then I would drink coffee with those lovely pink and blue artificial sweeteners. Add to that the frozen meals, and my ever present cigarettes and I was just your average all american girl trying to get thin.

When I started to gain weight I assumed that all I needed more modern solutions. I started those diets were you substitute a canned shake instead of a meal. I tried the new Fat Free salad dressings of course I used tons of it because it was Fat Free it didn't even count.

It was around this time my disfunction with good and bad foods started. I would label things in my mind. For example a apple has 95 calories a rice cake had 35 calories. In my distorted thinking of the time the apple would of course be labeled "bad" because of the higher calories. However it never occurred to me that a apple might make me feel full and satisfied where 10 minutes after eating the rice cake I was still hungry.

I started to reevaluate my assumptions about food about 5 years ago when my doctor figured out I was allergic to aspartame. He asked me to stop using foods with aspartame for a month trial.

After a two hour grocery trip reading labels. I went back to tell him I couldn't possibly do a month. I made the claim that every food I ate had aspartame in it. When he asked me for a example and I pointed out my favorite fat free salad dressing. He responded as if he was speaking to a two year old suggesting that instead of buying the fat free dressing I just buy the regular one. I was shocked. Seriously, it took me awhile to process this thought. Didn't he know I was fat? I can't eat regular dressing!

I fell for advertisements like this one all the time. To add to the dysfunction I would be telling myself I was "good" because I was eating a "good" food. I realize now that my  food disorder is a thinking disorder. Every assumption about food I have ever made needs to be challenged. As much as I enjoyed the 80's I am ready to let all of it's dieting advice go.

Magical Thinking

I realized that I was thinking magically again.

The problem with magical thinking, is the resounding thud that you hear when your fall back to reality. I had one of those days yesterday. After three weeks I got on the scale my thoughts filled would how I could brag about my new weight loss.

In three weeks I hadn't lost an inch or a pound.

What kept running through my mind was " but I have been good!" I immediately started thinking back to every piece of food I put in my mouth. I rapidly counted calories and categorized every food as good or bad. I felt nauseous, my heart started to race, and I was feeling panic.

My next thought was of embarrassment. and shame. Before I left the bathroom that voice in my head appeared " You thought you were so smart didn't you! What a idiot you are! You are fat and disgusting and you will always be fat and disgusting."

I told myself to ignore the voice. My Mom came over for lunch to talk about our trip in April. I tried to pretend I was fine, but in truth that screaming banshee voice had gotten a foothold in my mind.
Finally, I just had to say it. Tears flowed as I admitted my failure. Mom reframed the issue for me very quickly. I am so thankful for that. At the end of the conversation the screaming banshee was locked up tight. I had not failed. I was still the same person who was worthy of vibrant health, love, and light before I had stepped on that scale. How does a number validate my existence? It doesn't.

Clarity and peace of mind, the ability to be active again, trust that my body will work for me and hope of a different future. All of those are gifts I have received from eating a whole food/plant based diet. That is priceless. In return if that would mean I would never lose another pound. I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

Take that screaming banshee.

Bread and Me

*possible food triggering pictures below

I was lucky enough to be taken out for a several meals to celebrate my birthday. I had bread every time. Not just regular everyday bread, but yummy, organic, whole food, and artisanal bread. It was delicious! After dinner though, I noticed I was feeling groggy, my limbs were swollen, and later my mood was swinging widely.

At the next meal I switched it to gluten free bread. I enjoyed it immensely. Except later, I felt foggy and slow moving. I noticed the muscle aches were back and I was experiencing a vague headache. 

The next day I was still determined to have what I craved. I had a piece of sprouted grain bread. My nose started to run, the headache persisted, as well as the muscle aches continued. 

These were not huge quantities of bread. Just what accompanied my vegan/plant based meal. What shocked me though was my ability to easily identify what I was experiencing and the cause. 

When I was shut off from my bodies intelligence before I would experience a symptom of discomfort and treat the symptom. This often lead to a layers of confusing symptoms that were impossible to treat. Once I got there it was easier just to eat more, carb out, and sleep then try to figure it all out.

The truth at this point of healing of my body. I love bread, but it doesn't love me back. You know what? That is ok. That isn't to say that if I see a piece of beautiful bread I might choose to live with the symptoms to experience it. Choice is another gift. Much love, Cheri  

You can't get there from here

Today is my 48th birthday. I have found that I am not into birthdays very much any more. It is lovely to be acknowledged, especially on facebook ;-).  I am blessed to have experience growing up in a family where birthdays were a big celebration. I remember waking up in the morning of my birthday with pure excitement for what the day would bring. Now, I tend to look at the passing years in reflection where I have been and where I am going.

This year I feel as if I am being reborn. They say that we grow most of our body anew every 7-15 years. I feel as if I am in the end of one of those cycles. I am rebirthed ready to have a different experience then I have had before.

I was talking to a friend today and I had a dawning realisation that food addiction just like any addiction is only healed when you process and go through the pain. My constant thought process has always been how to get around the pain.

With every new fad diet, every resolution, and every exercise plan my goal was to win the battle of fat. I would conquer it! I see now that all that energy, pain, and frustration was a distraction of what was true. The simple truth was I had experienced pain and I was denying that experience. I refused that process because it was too scary. It was much easier to focus on calories, restriction plans, and my lack of character that made me fat.

I couldn't get to where I wanted to go without going through it. I had to acknowledge my truth, sit in it, experience it, learn from it, and then let it go. I know this is amazingly simple. It also was extremely difficult.

Today on my first day of my 48th year I am so thankful and grateful to have this knowledge and experience. Much love to all, Cheri

Radical Changes

Recently I have been having very awkward interactions with people. It's awkward for both of us.

Acquaintance; Wow Cheri you look great... Umm different.What are you doing, starving yourself?

Cheri; Nope, I am just eating a whole food / plant based diet.

Acquaintance; Ewww, that is not for me! Yuck! Just plants! Nothing else? Not even dairy?

Cheri; Just whole foods and plants.

Acquaintance; How much weight have you lost? .

Cheri; I have lost 33 pounds since January 11th.

Acquaintance; Mhmmm... That sounds pretty dangerous, are you sure that is safe?

Cheri; It's very safe, thanks for asking.

Acquaintance; That is a lot of weight to lose that quickly. You can't just live on plants what about your protein intake? And cheese, don't tell me you aren't eating cheese? You have to have some dairy you need the calcium.
I don't know, this sounds really dangerous. I know I couldn't do it. I mean, just eat plants? Thats crazy! Are you sure you are seeing a doctor? My 2nd cousin went on some crazy diet and lost a lot of weight like you are doing and she ended up in the hospital...

To be fair, this isn't all from one person or one conversation its more of collage of awkward conversations I have experienced over the past three months.

What is it about us as humans that gets threatened when we see someone making a change? I have felt it before myself. When one of my friends started working out or changing their diet I was happy for them. I also immediately felt I needed to justify myself for not making those same changes in my own life. 

The truth is switching to a whole food plant based diet is radical, if you compare it to mainstream America. It is also true that I was in a radical situation and it requires a radical solution.

I was in pain 24/7, it didn't matter whether I was asleep or awake, I was always in debilitating pain. I had 18 fevers over the temp of 103 in one year, I had a chronic blood infection, medication induced vertigo, and adema so bad I had to buy shoes in three sizes so I would have something to cover my feet day to day. The exhaustion was too overwhelming to describe. These were just the the side effects from the treatment of my illness. My life was shrinking to the point of nonexistence. I no longer saw the point in living.

So... I went radical. I started with alternative healing and now, a whole food and plant based diet. I would never recommend this lifestyle change to anyone. This is a journey that each person needs to make if they chose, in their own time. However, let me tell you a secret, once you do the work, the research, and have a motivating factor. It is so amazingly simple and easy it is ridiculous!

To everyone who sees me changing, please feel free to comment and ask questions. It helps me so much to get other people perspectives and encouragement. Also know this change is not about you, we are not competing and I will never try to recruit you to a plant based diet.

This all about me, and an attempt to save my life. I am working closely with a doctor and he highly recommended this change.  For the people who are worried, believe it or not you get more protein and calcium from Kale then you could imagine. (a small joke)

Sincerely, I deeply and profoundly appreciate all of your support and concern whether I know you in person or from the web. With much love to all! Cheri

Food Anxiety

 As long as I can remember I have had anxiety about not having enough food. Unlike many people who live in the US, I have never gone to bed hungry or even really had to concern myself where my next meal was coming from.

In the past, driving home from work my thoughts would go to food. If I couldn't think of what food I would eat when I got home or if it seemed like too much trouble to prepare I would stop at a fast food place to make sure that I had enough to eat for the night. Often ordering large amounts of food enough that would easily feed several people.

When I went grocery shopping I always bought extra food for the pantry. My pantry was full of things I rarely ate but just knowing that food was in there made me feel safe. If I opened the fridge and it started to look empty I would feel this vague sense of unease and start counting the days until pay day so I could fill it up again.

Since starting a plant based diet in January of this year I have been cleaning out of my pantry, fridge, and freezers of food that is not plant based. Slowly shelves that used to be packed with packaged, and processed foods are standing empty. My immediate response was to head out to the health food store to replace those foods with vegan / plant based ones. 

In perfect timing of the universe I had a sudden expense that I talked about in the last post that kept me filling my pantry shelves. I started noticing a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach I hadn't noticed before. My thoughts would race " what am I going to eat for dinner? There isn't enough! You have to get more!." In truth I had plenty. More then enough of whole foods to sustain one human being for several months.

As I refused to feed that crazy making voice in my head I noticed she started to slow down. When I would open the door to my pantry and see empty shelves I would focus on breathing through that first jolt of anxiety that rushed through me. Then pick something to make for dinner all the while sending soothing thoughts to the scared little voice inside of me. 

The interesting thing about this that if you had asked me 3 months ago if I still struggled with this type of fear based anxiety I would have told you no. I know anxiety very well. At one time in my life I was completely driven by anxiety. I would have 10-15 full blown anxiety attacks a day, I had a 24/7 parkinson like tremor , I used to wake up blind from anxiety until exercise would clear my vision, and I became agoraphobic for three years. Anxiety and I are old pals. Knowing that and all the work I have done to release Anxiety from my life. It never occurred to me how it was still driving my behavior about food. 

Another one of my old pals Denial. Just pretend it isn't there and it won't be. I am grateful that because the universe conspired to financially challenge me for the past couple of months I have learned a great lesson. I can acknowledge it and let it go. Thanks universe for another fun lesson in life.