Food Anxiety

 As long as I can remember I have had anxiety about not having enough food. Unlike many people who live in the US, I have never gone to bed hungry or even really had to concern myself where my next meal was coming from.

In the past, driving home from work my thoughts would go to food. If I couldn't think of what food I would eat when I got home or if it seemed like too much trouble to prepare I would stop at a fast food place to make sure that I had enough to eat for the night. Often ordering large amounts of food enough that would easily feed several people.

When I went grocery shopping I always bought extra food for the pantry. My pantry was full of things I rarely ate but just knowing that food was in there made me feel safe. If I opened the fridge and it started to look empty I would feel this vague sense of unease and start counting the days until pay day so I could fill it up again.

Since starting a plant based diet in January of this year I have been cleaning out of my pantry, fridge, and freezers of food that is not plant based. Slowly shelves that used to be packed with packaged, and processed foods are standing empty. My immediate response was to head out to the health food store to replace those foods with vegan / plant based ones. 

In perfect timing of the universe I had a sudden expense that I talked about in the last post that kept me filling my pantry shelves. I started noticing a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach I hadn't noticed before. My thoughts would race " what am I going to eat for dinner? There isn't enough! You have to get more!." In truth I had plenty. More then enough of whole foods to sustain one human being for several months.

As I refused to feed that crazy making voice in my head I noticed she started to slow down. When I would open the door to my pantry and see empty shelves I would focus on breathing through that first jolt of anxiety that rushed through me. Then pick something to make for dinner all the while sending soothing thoughts to the scared little voice inside of me. 

The interesting thing about this that if you had asked me 3 months ago if I still struggled with this type of fear based anxiety I would have told you no. I know anxiety very well. At one time in my life I was completely driven by anxiety. I would have 10-15 full blown anxiety attacks a day, I had a 24/7 parkinson like tremor , I used to wake up blind from anxiety until exercise would clear my vision, and I became agoraphobic for three years. Anxiety and I are old pals. Knowing that and all the work I have done to release Anxiety from my life. It never occurred to me how it was still driving my behavior about food. 

Another one of my old pals Denial. Just pretend it isn't there and it won't be. I am grateful that because the universe conspired to financially challenge me for the past couple of months I have learned a great lesson. I can acknowledge it and let it go. Thanks universe for another fun lesson in life.