Magical Thinking

I realized that I was thinking magically again.

The problem with magical thinking, is the resounding thud that you hear when your fall back to reality. I had one of those days yesterday. After three weeks I got on the scale my thoughts filled would how I could brag about my new weight loss.

In three weeks I hadn't lost an inch or a pound.

What kept running through my mind was " but I have been good!" I immediately started thinking back to every piece of food I put in my mouth. I rapidly counted calories and categorized every food as good or bad. I felt nauseous, my heart started to race, and I was feeling panic.

My next thought was of embarrassment. and shame. Before I left the bathroom that voice in my head appeared " You thought you were so smart didn't you! What a idiot you are! You are fat and disgusting and you will always be fat and disgusting."

I told myself to ignore the voice. My Mom came over for lunch to talk about our trip in April. I tried to pretend I was fine, but in truth that screaming banshee voice had gotten a foothold in my mind.
Finally, I just had to say it. Tears flowed as I admitted my failure. Mom reframed the issue for me very quickly. I am so thankful for that. At the end of the conversation the screaming banshee was locked up tight. I had not failed. I was still the same person who was worthy of vibrant health, love, and light before I had stepped on that scale. How does a number validate my existence? It doesn't.

Clarity and peace of mind, the ability to be active again, trust that my body will work for me and hope of a different future. All of those are gifts I have received from eating a whole food/plant based diet. That is priceless. In return if that would mean I would never lose another pound. I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

Take that screaming banshee.

Bread and Me

*possible food triggering pictures below

I was lucky enough to be taken out for a several meals to celebrate my birthday. I had bread every time. Not just regular everyday bread, but yummy, organic, whole food, and artisanal bread. It was delicious! After dinner though, I noticed I was feeling groggy, my limbs were swollen, and later my mood was swinging widely.

At the next meal I switched it to gluten free bread. I enjoyed it immensely. Except later, I felt foggy and slow moving. I noticed the muscle aches were back and I was experiencing a vague headache. 

The next day I was still determined to have what I craved. I had a piece of sprouted grain bread. My nose started to run, the headache persisted, as well as the muscle aches continued. 

These were not huge quantities of bread. Just what accompanied my vegan/plant based meal. What shocked me though was my ability to easily identify what I was experiencing and the cause. 

When I was shut off from my bodies intelligence before I would experience a symptom of discomfort and treat the symptom. This often lead to a layers of confusing symptoms that were impossible to treat. Once I got there it was easier just to eat more, carb out, and sleep then try to figure it all out.

The truth at this point of healing of my body. I love bread, but it doesn't love me back. You know what? That is ok. That isn't to say that if I see a piece of beautiful bread I might choose to live with the symptoms to experience it. Choice is another gift. Much love, Cheri  

You can't get there from here

Today is my 48th birthday. I have found that I am not into birthdays very much any more. It is lovely to be acknowledged, especially on facebook ;-).  I am blessed to have experience growing up in a family where birthdays were a big celebration. I remember waking up in the morning of my birthday with pure excitement for what the day would bring. Now, I tend to look at the passing years in reflection where I have been and where I am going.

This year I feel as if I am being reborn. They say that we grow most of our body anew every 7-15 years. I feel as if I am in the end of one of those cycles. I am rebirthed ready to have a different experience then I have had before.

I was talking to a friend today and I had a dawning realisation that food addiction just like any addiction is only healed when you process and go through the pain. My constant thought process has always been how to get around the pain.

With every new fad diet, every resolution, and every exercise plan my goal was to win the battle of fat. I would conquer it! I see now that all that energy, pain, and frustration was a distraction of what was true. The simple truth was I had experienced pain and I was denying that experience. I refused that process because it was too scary. It was much easier to focus on calories, restriction plans, and my lack of character that made me fat.

I couldn't get to where I wanted to go without going through it. I had to acknowledge my truth, sit in it, experience it, learn from it, and then let it go. I know this is amazingly simple. It also was extremely difficult.

Today on my first day of my 48th year I am so thankful and grateful to have this knowledge and experience. Much love to all, Cheri

Radical Changes

Recently I have been having very awkward interactions with people. It's awkward for both of us.

Acquaintance; Wow Cheri you look great... Umm different.What are you doing, starving yourself?

Cheri; Nope, I am just eating a whole food / plant based diet.

Acquaintance; Ewww, that is not for me! Yuck! Just plants! Nothing else? Not even dairy?

Cheri; Just whole foods and plants.

Acquaintance; How much weight have you lost? .

Cheri; I have lost 33 pounds since January 11th.

Acquaintance; Mhmmm... That sounds pretty dangerous, are you sure that is safe?

Cheri; It's very safe, thanks for asking.

Acquaintance; That is a lot of weight to lose that quickly. You can't just live on plants what about your protein intake? And cheese, don't tell me you aren't eating cheese? You have to have some dairy you need the calcium.
I don't know, this sounds really dangerous. I know I couldn't do it. I mean, just eat plants? Thats crazy! Are you sure you are seeing a doctor? My 2nd cousin went on some crazy diet and lost a lot of weight like you are doing and she ended up in the hospital...

To be fair, this isn't all from one person or one conversation its more of collage of awkward conversations I have experienced over the past three months.

What is it about us as humans that gets threatened when we see someone making a change? I have felt it before myself. When one of my friends started working out or changing their diet I was happy for them. I also immediately felt I needed to justify myself for not making those same changes in my own life. 

The truth is switching to a whole food plant based diet is radical, if you compare it to mainstream America. It is also true that I was in a radical situation and it requires a radical solution.

I was in pain 24/7, it didn't matter whether I was asleep or awake, I was always in debilitating pain. I had 18 fevers over the temp of 103 in one year, I had a chronic blood infection, medication induced vertigo, and adema so bad I had to buy shoes in three sizes so I would have something to cover my feet day to day. The exhaustion was too overwhelming to describe. These were just the the side effects from the treatment of my illness. My life was shrinking to the point of nonexistence. I no longer saw the point in living.

So... I went radical. I started with alternative healing and now, a whole food and plant based diet. I would never recommend this lifestyle change to anyone. This is a journey that each person needs to make if they chose, in their own time. However, let me tell you a secret, once you do the work, the research, and have a motivating factor. It is so amazingly simple and easy it is ridiculous!

To everyone who sees me changing, please feel free to comment and ask questions. It helps me so much to get other people perspectives and encouragement. Also know this change is not about you, we are not competing and I will never try to recruit you to a plant based diet.

This all about me, and an attempt to save my life. I am working closely with a doctor and he highly recommended this change.  For the people who are worried, believe it or not you get more protein and calcium from Kale then you could imagine. (a small joke)

Sincerely, I deeply and profoundly appreciate all of your support and concern whether I know you in person or from the web. With much love to all! Cheri

Food Anxiety

 As long as I can remember I have had anxiety about not having enough food. Unlike many people who live in the US, I have never gone to bed hungry or even really had to concern myself where my next meal was coming from.

In the past, driving home from work my thoughts would go to food. If I couldn't think of what food I would eat when I got home or if it seemed like too much trouble to prepare I would stop at a fast food place to make sure that I had enough to eat for the night. Often ordering large amounts of food enough that would easily feed several people.

When I went grocery shopping I always bought extra food for the pantry. My pantry was full of things I rarely ate but just knowing that food was in there made me feel safe. If I opened the fridge and it started to look empty I would feel this vague sense of unease and start counting the days until pay day so I could fill it up again.

Since starting a plant based diet in January of this year I have been cleaning out of my pantry, fridge, and freezers of food that is not plant based. Slowly shelves that used to be packed with packaged, and processed foods are standing empty. My immediate response was to head out to the health food store to replace those foods with vegan / plant based ones. 

In perfect timing of the universe I had a sudden expense that I talked about in the last post that kept me filling my pantry shelves. I started noticing a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach I hadn't noticed before. My thoughts would race " what am I going to eat for dinner? There isn't enough! You have to get more!." In truth I had plenty. More then enough of whole foods to sustain one human being for several months.

As I refused to feed that crazy making voice in my head I noticed she started to slow down. When I would open the door to my pantry and see empty shelves I would focus on breathing through that first jolt of anxiety that rushed through me. Then pick something to make for dinner all the while sending soothing thoughts to the scared little voice inside of me. 

The interesting thing about this that if you had asked me 3 months ago if I still struggled with this type of fear based anxiety I would have told you no. I know anxiety very well. At one time in my life I was completely driven by anxiety. I would have 10-15 full blown anxiety attacks a day, I had a 24/7 parkinson like tremor , I used to wake up blind from anxiety until exercise would clear my vision, and I became agoraphobic for three years. Anxiety and I are old pals. Knowing that and all the work I have done to release Anxiety from my life. It never occurred to me how it was still driving my behavior about food. 

Another one of my old pals Denial. Just pretend it isn't there and it won't be. I am grateful that because the universe conspired to financially challenge me for the past couple of months I have learned a great lesson. I can acknowledge it and let it go. Thanks universe for another fun lesson in life. 

Everything Happens For a Reason

* Possible food triggering pictures below 

The past two months have been financially challenging. I had to hire a lawyer because my insurance company is not thrilled with the fact that I have gone off my drug trial treatments. Because my co-pays would fluctuate wildly from $800.00 -$1600.00 a month. I entered into a medical-bankruptcy contract with them that allowed me to pay the bargain basement price of $889 a month for the treatments.

These treatments saved my life. I am very aware that I am one of the lucky few people who has been blessed to have a job that provided insurance, and a insurance company that provided real medical services and benefits to me that kept me alive. However, like most high powered drug trials I eventually became toxic on the drugs. I stopped the weekly shot treatments that were nearly $2000 a shot right before my trip to England in April 2014.

At the end of January this year, I was notified by my insurance company that because I had entered into this contract I was still required to pay for the medication regardless if I used it or not. They informed me that according to their records I owed them over $11,000.00 in back payments, and co-pays. The woman at member services then smiled sweetly asked will that be check or charge?

Yea right.

After walking out of that meeting the urge to stop for burger and fries was almost overwhelming. I suddenly felt that I wasn't safe and all I wanted to do was fill my body with carbs so that I could pass out. It was divine intervention that allowed me to get home without bags of fast food by my side.

Once I made it past that first day, I felt this inner strength I have never felt before. I felt that I could approach this challenge with a clear mind. Because my mind was clear I was able to see the situation for what it was and not connect it to shame or guilt on my part. I stopped catastrophizing and instead claimed the result I wanted.

Instead of bingeing and checking out, I was able to manage the anxiety by being conscious of my anxiety and my breath. Breathing my anxiety out and stating my intentions and affirmations helped me release that panic.

I realized the only time that burger and fries looked tempting was when I was hungry. So I got a bigger purse and started carrying around my favorite plant based foods. I would make large amounts of roasted sweet potato fries so I could have some for lunch or just as a snack. The starch helped me feel full which translated into me feeling safe.

I heard from my lawyer today. The judge did not agree with the insurance company's "interpretation of the contract" So I don't owe $11,000.00! I got off scott free with a bill of $1700.00 for lawyers fees and mediation costs. 

I know that this will not be the last stressful situation that tests my commitment to my own self care. However this experience has taught me that I do not have to succumb to food, my anxiety, or outside pressures. I realize now that this negative experience taught me a life changing positive one. For that alone it was worth every penny.  

Size Matters

*warning possible food triggering pictures below

When I started this plant based adventure I wore a size 24/26 bottoms and 4x/5x top. A week and a half ago I had the pleasure of digging out my size 22 "skinny jeans" from the depths of my closest when it became apparent even a belt wasn't going to cut it. 

Yesterday I stood up to leave a meeting in the middle of the afternoon and felt the weight of my phone and keys in my pockets dragging those size 22 off of my hips. I was a astounded! 

The reason I was so shocked was because the night before I had gone to bed sure I had gained weight. Why?? Because I had eaten a "BAD" food to the point of being stuffed. What was this evil dweller? Roasted sweet potato fries with homemade ketchup. 

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If you had asked me how I felt last night before going to sleep I would have said " I know I am failing again." The even more shocking thing is this morning. I again had a overall sense of failure. So much so that pulling my size 22's out of the dryer and putting them on I did not notice a belt might be needed. 

How do I allow my perspective to shift so dramatically and then just accept it is fact? In truth I realize now that my body was hungry and needed something with some starch in it. I ate until I was full. This is actually what I am supposed to be doing.

This is why plant based eating has been such a gift to me. In the past a binge would have included food that was highly recommended by every doctor I have ever gone too. Those food weren't necessarily bad foods they were just not good foods for my body. The toll that the Cushings took on my metabolism meant that I could be dealing with the after effects of a food binge on one of the health foods shown above for days or even weeks. Often the only thing that made me feel better was to eat more food. 

My lack of success of weight loss eating the "good" food, led to the demoralizing cycle you see above. It was in that cycle that my perspective of good or bad foods came to be more prevalent in my mind. As well as judging myself to be a "good or bad" person depending on what food I had eaten. 

Add to that, steroid medication, horrible side effects, and debilitating pain. That leads to the food you pictured here. I mean if I am going to be "good" and still get fatter I might as well enjoy myself right? 

What I learned yesterday is that for the very first time. My body works when I eat plant based foods. I am not unworthy of feeling full or enjoying what I am eating. In fact it isn't a worthiness issue it is just what works for me. 

How crazy and revolutionary is that thought! I am moving on to size 20 I guess it's time for a shopping spree at the thrift shop.